


I wanna go to sleep

by alieemahgis



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Chan centric, Platonic Relationships, Sad Ending, just some word vomit, sad hours, suicide but not graphic, the song 42 always makes me cry, this is such a mess, until i update other fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 16:23:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13662750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alieemahgis/pseuds/alieemahgis
Summary: Chan falls asleep and never wakes up.





	I wanna go to sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry to all my weak hearted readers  
> I've been listening to 42 a lot recently and that song just makes me cry so much!!

It was a long day again.  
Chan dragged himself down the halls of the school trying his best not to show his obvious exhaustion. It had been a hard week. The days just seemed to be getting shorter, and his workload seemed to be getting bigger. It was hard to keep up with all the assignments, he barely had time to do the thing he loved most.

Sleep.

Chan always loved to sleep, even as a kid he would be the first one to crawl into his sleeping mat for nap time. Sleep was an escape from all the problems and stress in the world.

Chan always felt better in his dreams than he did awake.

Chan often dreamt of the same thing. He would dream about a life where he didn’t worry as much, where he smiled more, had friends that loved him. He dreamt of eight boys who brought him so much happiness it hurt to wake up and leave them.  
Chan knew they weren’t real. He knew there was no Jeongin in his school. There was no Seungmin who could sing like an angel. There was not Felix with a deep voice and sunshine smile. No Jisung or Changbin to rap and laugh with. No Minho or Hyunjin to dance with. No Woojin to smile or sing with. There were no kids with those names in his school.

And no matter how many times he checked the attendance list and came up empty, he always hoped to see their names.

-

  
Chan denies that he is tired.

He is. He’s so tired, and he wants nothing more than to sleep in his comfy bed and dream about the boys his mind has made up. He wants to hear Jeongin’s voice again, he wants to see the boy’s smile again. His misses him. He misses all of them.  
But Chan forces himself to stay up and finish his work, and by the time he is done it’s too late to get a decent amount of sleep in.

-

  
Chan is numb.

He can’t feel the tiredness anymore. He can’t feel anything. His smiles are so forced that he is sure no one is fooled by them anymore. He knows he looks like a mess. His dark circles impossible to hide even with makeup, his pale skin, and dead eyes.  
Chan knows his mom is worried about him. He sees it in her eyes when he comes home and goes straight to his room to work. He knows that she is scared that he hasn’t been eating. He should be too. All his clothes are too big for him now but doesn’t feel hungry. He’s slowly killing himself.

Yet he doesn’t bring himself to care.

-  
  
It’s a late night once again. He stares blankly at the paper, nothing written on it but the date and his name. It feels different tonight like someone is calling for Chan to come to bed. He’s not tired anymore though. He just feels empty, like there is nothing inside of him, he’s just a hollow body. Even though he’s not tired he wants to sleep. He wants to go to sleep for as long as possible. 

  
Chan walks over to the medicine cabinet and pulls out a bottle of painkillers. He’s not in pain, he just wants to sleep. As he walks down the dark hallway back to his room, he takes a moment to say goodbye to his surroundings. There was no reason for him to stay in a world where he felt no one cared for him.  
So as he lays in bed, his sheets pulled up to his chin, he thinks about his life, the meaning, if there ever was any purpose to it. He comes up with nothing. His eyes get heavy, and he knows the pills are working.

-

Chan doesn’t wake up from his alarm clock. He doesn’t wake up to his mom calling him downstairs to breakfast. He doesn’t wake up to the knocking on his door, or his mother’s scream or cries. He doesn’t wake up even when she pulls him into her arms and cradles him.

  
Chan finally got to sleep forever.

-

  
“Hyung where have you been? We haven’t seen you in a while.”

  
“I’m sorry. I’m here to stay this time.”

  
“Promise?”

  
“I promise Jeongin.”


End file.
